The Art Of Working Together
If We Don't Know How To Disagree, We'll Never Agree On Anything.
Here in America, we just had an election. Regardless of who won, we need a lesson in working together, the art of which has been in short supply lately.
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In case you haven’t noticed, we don’t go through this life alone. There are other people in this world and, every so often, we have to deal with each other1. Unfortunately this whole “dealing with other people” thing isn’t always as smooth as we would like it to be.
We all view the world and its inherent chaos through our own individual lens. We’ve each had our experiences. We’ve learned what we’ve learned. We all have opinions. Inevitably we are not always going to agree on everything all the time. It’s impossible. To disagree is normal.
Because we disagree, if we ever need to work together, we need ways to figure out how to come to an agreement. Every once in a while we need to collaborate or, god forbid, even negotiate. Strangely if you need to collaborate, there is a bunch of negotiation involved - and if you need to negotiate, there is a bunch of collaboration involved. Turns out collaboration and negotiation are very similar:
Collaborate: verb: To work together with others to achieve a common goal.
Negotiate: verb: To achieve agreement through discussion.
Seems like the same thing but one is through talking and the other is through doing. Potato/tomato, amirite?
Whenever we collabtiate (woof)... negollaborate (yeesh)... whenever we try to achieve a common goal we are putting our desire up against someone else’s desire with the hope that there is some overlap. Alas, more often than not our desires don’t align perfectly. We then need to try and find common ground to not only get to where it is mutually beneficial for us both to go, but ultimately to find a place that exceeds each other’s predetermined optimal outcome (or, you know, what you think you can get out of the process).
To meet those rather lofty demands, the art of achieving a common goal (or good collaboration and/or negotiation) requires 3 considerations: Truth, Trust, and Transmogrification2.
TRUTH
The art of getting to the same place requires understanding where everyone is starting from. That requires a level of honesty - and a degree of thick skin. Giving yourself criticism is hard enough, hearing it from someone else can be a problem. But we need to know each other's strengths and weaknesses because what we’re hoping for is that your strengths mask their weaknesses and vice-versa. Together we should be better.
Understanding that we’re trying to get to the same place necessitates focusing on the solution and not individual positions. We need to agree on a shared objective that we can all strive for. Everyone needs to take their emotions out of the equation, be direct but considerate, and ask for and give clarification when it is required. Everyone needs to be on the same page.
If you’re being honest, in the end you’ll find yourself in a Venn diagram:
*Whistles* That there is a good looking Venn diagram, but the individual circles represent a vast cornucopia of wants, needs, and desires. Even in the overlap of what you both want, we might find some concessions and compromises that are less than desirable. Furthermore that overlap only considers mutually acceptable, predetermined outcomes. We need to add in a little…
TRUST
Trust is built through understanding and vocalizing (saying out loud) what the other person’s position is and - this is important - looking out for their best interests if things start to push too far out of their favor. Negotiation and/or collaboration is a conversation, not an argument. It may feel like a competition at times, but this isn’t a sport where the winner takes all. We’re trying to find a solution that is better for all involved. We need to find a balance between getting what you want and being considerate of what they want.
This is a conversation, not an argument.
Adding Trust to the equation makes the art of achieving a common goal look more like a classic Win/Lose matrix:
A Win/Lose matrix compares how much you’re winning (or losing) against how the other person is winning (or losing). You can end up in one of four camps:
Lose/Lose: This is where neither of you get what you want. Either none of your desires overlap, or you’re both digging your heels in and won’t give up ground. Not a lot of Truth here.
Lose/Win or Win/Lose: This is where one of you got what they wanted at the other’s expense. One of you capitulated to the other’s demands. Trust? I think not.
Win/Win: This is where you both get what you want. The outcome is mutually beneficial and all is right with the world. Truth and Trust, baby!
Unfortunately, this matrix also is a little misleading. The far upper right Win/Win spot is a lot easier to point at than to get to. It’s probably beyond our mutually acceptable, predetermined outcomes. It doesn’t take into consideration where both parties are coming from, what they are individually capable of, and where they are currently capable of getting to.
At this point we need to overlay the two. A Win/Lose, Truth/Trust, Getting What You (Both) Want Venn Matrix, if you will:
This overlay is a good visual representation of the limitations of trying to get to a Win/Win solution by only using the overlap of mutually acceptable, predetermined outcomes. The overlap in the lose/lose quadrant of the matrix suggests both parties are conceding something - while not a great outcome for each, the slight loss is acceptable enough to warrant a deal. This feels a bit like a forced compromise and not what we’re really shooting for3. Same goes for the Win/Lose and Lose/Win sections: No one is winning (or losing) to a great degree, but it’s not going to feel great for anybody.
Even the overlap in the Win/Win quadrant seems… meh. Like, “Yay! We both won. So what?”
This shows that there are some acceptable Lose/Lose scenarios. Also there are some places where it is acceptable for one of you to actually concede ground to get the deal done. There is just a little chunk where what you both want overlaps with a Win/Win leaving a giant chunk of the Win/Win left unexplored.
This is where we need a little…
TRANSMOGRIFICATION
To transmogrify means to transform in a surprising or magical manner and that’s exactly what we need now. We want to enhance our starting positions by creating something bigger and better than the sum of our individual parts. That requires a little magic - or creative thinking.
With enough Truth and Trust we should be at a place where everyone involved feels comfortable, perhaps even emboldened, to throw out ideas and build off even the most hairbrained propositions. This means sharing the conch (so to speak) - giving up control to let the other flesh out a concept.
There is no such thing as a stupid idea, just stupid people who dismiss them.
We are looking to build something better than simply a combination of our mutually acceptable, predetermined outcomes. We need to leverage our individual strengths, skills, and perspectives to create a more innovative outcome - a more transmogrified result than if we never started this process to begin with.
Transmogrification puts us in a place neither could get to by ourselves. It is where the beauty and power of collaboration and negotiation transforms in a surprising or magical manner.
AN OLYMPIC EXAMPLE
I was trying to think of a good example of this and, oddly, the first one that jumped into my brain came from the Olympics. It is odd, because I just got done saying these rules don’t apply to the winner-take-all world of sport. Color me flabbergasted.
During the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo (in 2021) two high jumpers, Italy’s Gianmarco Tamberi and Mutaz Barshim of Qatar, were both perfect until the bar was set to 7 feet - 10 inches or 2.39 meters (which would be an Olympic record). Both failed to clear the bar three times. Exhausted and impressed with each other, they agreed to SHARE THE GOLD MEDAL!
Here is how this story applies in an article about working together.
TRUTH: The Olympics award gold medals to the best athletes in certain sports, in this instance high jumping. Both athletes were trying for the gold in this event - and they were both very good at it4.
TRUST: Both understood that the other wanted the gold medal desperately. They also understood that they were each competing against a very worthy opponent and this might go on forever.
TRANSMOGRIFICATION: They asked if they could each get a gold medal. The Olympic judge checked the rules and said, “Yeah, sure.”
BOOM!
It is a truly heartwarming thing to behold AND you can physically see when the transmogrification happens. Watch it HERE.
When we know how to work with and for each other, we can achieve amazing things. And, as an added bonus, we get to use the word “transmogrification” far more than we ever thought we would.
Gross, I know.
I really wanted an alliteration here, but couldn’t find a word that means “creativity” that started with TR. So I used “Transmogrify” which means: transform in a surprising or magical manner. And the more I thought about it, it seemed like a more accurate word to use.
Mary Parker Follett coined the term “win-win” back in the 1920s. She was in management and HR so she had good reason to come up with this concept. She figured that creatively developing mutually acceptable solutions to meet everyone’s needs and build value was a better outcome than simply forcing a compromise on both parties.
One might say Olympian.