The Definition Of A Man
Or, what alpha males can teach us about human sexuality.
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Recently the question “can you define what a man is?1“ has been lobbed about like a hand grenade. Ugh. It is usually posed by some sort of “alpha male” named Zok2 dragging a club and contemplating the complexities of the wheel as a gotcha to a person he perceives as a “woke libtard”. Zok, in his mind, believes this is a simple multiple choice question with only two possible correct answers3:
That’s really adorable, Zok. But even you know all men are not created equal. You’ve walked around a locker room, haven’t you Zok? If we’re judging purely on physicality, there is a world of difference in manliness (like, damn). Even you would have to agree that, to be accurate, we should put that on a scale.
You may look at this and think, hey that slides all the way from “man” to “woman” what gives? Well, we want to be accurate here, right Zok? So, we need to include a spot on that scale that includes “ambiguous genitalia”. If you’re confused, it is exactly what it sounds like: it’s difficult to know what is going on down there just by looking at it. That may sound strange to you, Zok. But it’s real4. Don’t worry. You’re still a man. No one has taken that away from you simply because of the existence of anything else on this scale.
Of course this only takes into account the physical part of sexuality. Physio-Sexuality, if you will. There is more to sexuality than merely how big of a hammer you’re swinging. Amirite, Zok?
You and your friends often talk about being “Alpha Males” which I am going to assume isn’t merely about the size of your wieners5. From what I understand, being an alpha male is all about confidence, ambition, and charisma. You also speak disparagingly about so-called “Beta Males” (those who lack such characteristics). Hell there is, in your own world, Zok, a built in hierarchy of manliness6 outside of how difficult it is to fit into your underpants.
If you believe there is a hierarchy (or scale) of male psychological traits above and beyond physical traits, we should add that to what it means to be a man. We’ll call this Psycho-Sexuality. Now we have two scales:
Okay, sorry, I didn’t put you as the manliest man on the physio-sexuality scale because, given the law of averages, you’re probably pretty average. I mean, only one guy on the planet can max out on that scale (sorry, buddy). Also, I didn’t put you in the “alpha male” section of psycho-sexuality because, and this is only my belief, no man who says he is an alpha male can actually be an alpha male. An alpha male would be too masculine to worry about whether they are an alpha or not7. So I can’t put you there because then you wouldn’t belong there. But, hey, between you and me, Zok, we know you’re an alpha (oh, shit! I fucked that up for you. Sorry).
Oooh. Hold up! We forgot a very important part of human sexuality, namely, who you like to have sexy-time with. Right. Zok? We can’t talk about sexuality without talking about the old boom-choca-locka. We need to add to the discussion which other humans stimulate our psycho-sexuality in such a way as to generate arousal in our physio-sexuality? You know, Zok… like, who makes your nethers tingle. We can call this Psexi-Sexuality8:
Here now we have three scales of human sexuality. The thing to keep in mind, Zok, is that you can’t really tweak them all that much. You popped into the world with your gauges set to your own specific factory default settings, so to speak. What you got is what you get. Your settings, Zok, are yours. Other people have their own factory defaults. And that is what makes this world such a wonderful, surprising, and interesting place. If we were all the same, this place would be pretty boring.
Let’s see what other factory settings a human might pop into the world with, shall we, Zok? If your Psexi-Sexuality was set to “Man”, you would be gay. Settle down. This is only an example. I am sure you’re not gay (but methinks Zok doth protest too much9). Can we continue, Zok? Thanks. If the preset came situated right in the middle, you would be bi-sexual. Fun, right? And if it were fixed to a spot just above that, you would be bi-sexual with a preference for women. Isn’t that amazing! So much variation in just one gauge. AND WE HAVE TWO MORE!
Things get more complicated when we mess with the center, or Psycho-Sexuality, settings. As it stands now, Zok, your Psycho settings correspond with your Physio settings. Your dangly bits match up with what you expect to be there. Lucky you. If your Psycho-Sexuality were set to “Woman”, your brain and your parts wouldn’t match up. You would look down and think, “Holy hell, that’s not what I was expecting.” You would be trans.
At this point you might be motivated to align your Psycho with your Physio. That’s easier said than done. Remember, these are factory presets. Adjusting your brain to come into alignment with your parts is very difficult. Brain modification is a medical procedure we just haven’t figured out quite yet. It’s far easier to bring your body into alignment with your brain. We humans have figured out body modification. If you think that is a bridge too far, I can point to the $45.5 Billion global cosmetic surgery industry10 that would beg to differ.
Most cosmetic surgery is simply an individual adjusting their body to be compatible with their brains. Boob jobs are performed on women who believe larger breasts are more in line with who they are as a person. Guys are getting cheek sculpting procedures to look more alpha (I presume). I could argue taking Viagra is merely getting your body in sync with what your brain expects.
At this point in human history Physio-Sexuality is more of a slider that can be adjusted unlike the factory presets of the others. So, Zok, feel free to get those calf implants and that jawline restructuring if it makes you feel more like you. I’m behind you every step of the way.
Zok! You’ve made it across the board. Good for you. Grab a beer. Or a shot of whiskey. Something manly. You deserve it. I know this is a little more complicated than the blue light we started with, but you have to agree that these gauges (and the slider) present a far more nuanced, and therefore more accurate, picture of what it means to be a man. And we’re here to be accurate, Zok. If nothing else, let’s be accurate.
Each of these gauges (and the slider) have an infinite number of settings between their extremes. And there are three of them. That’s a lot of settings.
Infinity x infinity x infinity = a whole lot of infinity
There are so many variations to human sexuality it is mind boggling. Even between you and your friends, Zok, there will be striking differences.
And that’s the great thing about the LGBTQ+ community. They recognize the vast and myriad permutations of human sexuality. It’s why they fly the Rainbow Flag. A rainbow has all the colors of… the rainbow11… represented in it - much like the complexity of human sexuality. I know you want things to be simple, Zok, but the answers to complicated questions are never A or B. We are human. We contain multitudes. And, frankly, we're more beautiful that way, don't you think?
This leads to the very essence of this Substack you’re reading: find happiness in the happiness of others (even if they are different from you) because if you can, they will offer joy back to you, the virtuous circle of happiness will be complete, and it will feed on itself.
So, Zok, the answer to the question “can you define what a man is?” is: who gives a shit. What you should be asking is “can you accept another person, no matter where they fall on these scales, for who they are as they are?”
If you can answer that in the affirmative, achieving “alpha male” status is laughably meaningless.
And it’s twin “can you define what a women is?”
Creating a caveman name that people will understand as a caveman name is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
I’ve color coded this stereotypically for Zok’s comprehension.
It's called “interesex”. Look it up: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex#
We could figure out who is physically the manliest by having a very interesting line up.
I damn near puked all over my computer looking up some of this shit: https://thepowermoves.com/alpha-male/
The Dunning-Kruger effect of masculinity.
Seriously, if you’re not impressed by that, I don’t know what you’re looking for.
Is paraphrasing Shakespeare to a caveman too intricate, too subtle for his sense? Is that too many Shakespeare references? Yes. Yes it is.
Fuck you. You try it!
"QED". So manly.
Just found you. Looking forward to more. (I know a few Zoks.)