The Only Correct Answer Is An Honest One

To solve problems we need honest answers to hard questions. And therein lies the rub: we're really bad at being honest with each other.

Good decisions require accurate information. We use the past to inform our present to make choices that affect our future. So having the best, most precise facts about what has happened so far is in everyone’s best interest. Accurate information is also known as “honesty”. 

So, why do we lie?

People lie to us, we lie to other people, and we even lie to ourselves. This is dumb. But yet, that’s how we do.

When we talk about honesty here, I am not talking about the big, fat, “make shit up out of the clear blue” type of lying. That is psychopathic. What I am talking about here is the little stuff: white lies, fudging the truth, and things that, on the surface, don’t seem like such a big deal. But, if we’re being honest here, they are.

So, getting back to it, why do we lie? The answer is threefold: 1) We have been poorly trained to handle the truth, 3) We don’t want to look stupid, and 2) we’d just rather not deal with the hassle.

POOR TRAINING

We have been told since childhood that lying is wrong, honesty is the best policy, and blah blah blah. But every kid knows that’s a load of hooey. Break a lamp, fess up to it, and you’re still going to pay the consequences of breaking the lamp. Totally unfair. But that is the way it has to work. You can’t just fess up to all your mistakes and get off scot-free. There must be consequences. And, of course, we’re dealing with our parent’s emotions after you JUST BROKE A DAMN LAMP!!! Even-handed discourse gets thrown out the window¹.

What we end up learning is not “to be honest” but to not break lamps. Not because it is more fun to not break lamps², but because it is easier to simply not have to lie about it.

LOOKING STUPID

What we learn in childhood bleeds into adulthood. No matter how hard we try, inevitably we will screw something up. It happens. We have all been part of a problem at work, been caught up in some drama among friends, or been the cause of some truly bone-headed escapades. We lie in these situations because we know we did something stupid, don’t want to look even more stupid, and/or get harangued for being stupid. We have been trained to keep our damn-fool mouths shut. 

THE HASSLE

And then there is the imagined response from others if we dare consider speaking openly and honestly. We would rather “be polite” than offer up an honest answer when, for instance, you get invited to a party you’re not interested in, or worse, when your significant other asks if their outfit makes them look… less than ideal. We know, deep down in our hearts, that telling the truth in those moments might require explanation and perhaps even debate. Ugh. It’s all a bunch of hassle that could easily be avoided if we just… lie.

SET THE EXAMPLE

Okay, fine. We’re poorly trained, don’t want to look stupid, and it’s not worth the hassle. Maybe we should just let this sleeping dog lie. We have built up social norms - a polite society, if you will - based on the principle of not hurting people’s feelings by banging them on the head with cold, hard, ugly truths. 

Yet we still have the problem of needing good information from which to make good decisions. We need to be truthful with each other. If I did something stupid, I need to know lest I do it again.

Making plans for the future requires taking an assessment of the past and dissecting the problems so that you can fix them. Getting to the root of a problem can only be done by asking questions. The answer to those questions will help guide you to the proper solution. Therefore it is imperative that you are working with the correct answers to the questions. To ensure you get correct answers, you need to ensure that people are being honest with you. And therein lies the rub.

We don’t like being honest with each other. 

You cannot beat honesty out of someone (it irreparably defeats the purpose). The only way to solve the honesty dilemma is to set an example. And trust me, it’s a bugger.

If the reasons we lie are:

• We are poorly trained to handle the truth.

• We don’t want to look stupid.

• It’s not worth the hassle.

Doing the exact opposite sets an example:

• Practice handling the truth with aplomb.

• Get comfortable fessing up to your own stupidity.

• Believe the hassle is worth it.

HANDLING THE TRUTH

If we want others to handle the truth, we better be able to handle it ourselves. Be an example of what that look likes. We have to handle truth bombs with aplomb. You are going to go a long way to getting people to give you honest feedback when you show them that you can accept the truth not as a harsh criticism but simply as an answer - because, ultimately, there are no right or wrong answers, just the answer.

STUPID HAPPENS

I can be, and have been, a three-alarm idiot. I have done some brilliantly moronic things in my life. I don’t mean to do dumb things, but dumb things happen. Sometimes, I have directly caused the dumb thing to happen. I have found there is only one way to handle those situations: fess up and take the heat. Then it is time to look at what happened - take an honest assessment (do you see a pattern here?) - and course correct. 

THE ANSWERS ARE IN THE HASSLE

The most impactful way to make an impression on someone who has just dropped a truth bomb on you is to ask questions about their reasoning. Do not be combative but curious. If we are demanding accurate information, this is the opportunity to make sure you know exactly why they have come to their conclusions. This is the information you are going to use to inform your future decision making processes. It is worthwhile to completely understand the complete truth. This might take longer than just getting a polite lie - a hassle, as it were - but you will get far more beneficial information from the hassle.

None of the above concepts are easy. We are human: proud, vulnerable, and frail. Exposing yourself to honesty is frightening. Shit, it’s terrifying. Ultimately all we have is each other. If we can’t be honest with each other, we’ll never be able to improve. Even if it hurts.

1. You can try blaming it on your brother, but that only serves to get your brother in trouble for something you did - which feels wrong (unless, of course, you are a psychopath). And, god forbid the actual truth comes out, then you are really going to get it (because your parents acted on bad information - your bad information). 

2. Usually when a lamp has been broken, fun was being had.