Throw Compliments Like Confetti
Gandhi once said, “be the change you want to see in this world.” I would like to make an addendum: Compliment the changes you wish to see more of in this world.
Back in 2006 a woman named Amy Sutherland wrote a piece for the New York Times about how she used exotic animal training to coax her husband to stop getting on her nerves. She used fancy worded techniques like “approximations” (rewarding small steps to new behavior) and “least reinforcing syndrome” (ignoring bad behavior) to subtly teach her hubby new tricks1. She would reward her husband’s good behavior and completely ignore his bad behavior. And it WORKED!
In essence, she trained her husband by using compliments. Compliments! Get out of here!
Compliment - noun - an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration
especially : an admiring remark
When we compliment someone, anyone, for anything we are rewarding their good behavior. We are letting them know that whatever it is that they are doing has been noticed and appreciated. It is worth its weight in gold. The opposite of a compliment, let’s call it “disregard”, has the opposite result (if we’re talking about training exotic animals, and none are so exotic as humans): by disregarding someone, we are ignoring their behavior as if they have done something bad, or, at least, something less than desirable.
Everyone is trying. They are trying hard. Compliments are recognition of that effort. A compliment lets a person know they are on the right path (at least in your estimation). It tells them what they are doing is worthwhile and is having a positive impact. It lets them know that their behavior is making you happy in some, maybe even small, way. And - this is important:
If you don't tell people they are making you happy, how will they know?
Hold on, let’s do that again:
IF YOU DON'T TELL PEOPLE THEY ARE MAKING YOU HAPPY, HOW WILL THEY KNOW?
This is at the very core of finding happiness in the happiness in others and accepting joy when it is offered back to you. It is a positive upward spiral.
Someone in this world is trying (they are not even actively trying to make you happy - they are simply in this world giving it the best they got).
You notice.
It makes you happy.
You tell them that they have made you happy (a compliment).
They now understand that they are having a positive impact in this world.
This makes them happy.
They continue with that behavior.
You made the world (just this much) better.
The upward spiral continues its heavenly ascent.
Compliments are the cheap currency of happiness. They cost you nothing (zilch, nada, nyet), but are priceless to the receiver. A simple compliment can absolutely make someone’s day. It can bring joy, emphasize recognition, and offer reassurance. More than anything, a compliment is a way for you to affirm what you want to see more of in this world2. Throw them out like you were tossing candy at a parade. Throw them with unbridled abandon.
Throw compliments like confetti. Change the world.
Amy Sutherland went on to write a book about it: What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage. I have not read it and so far have been ignored for my bad behavior.
Gandhi once said, “be the change you want to see in this world.” I would like to make an addendum: Compliment the changes you wish to see more of in this world.
This is a wonderful reminder.
And humorously reminds me of a ditzy 1962 movie called “if a man answers”. (Sandra Dee and Bobby Darrin). The sub title joked about by friends was ‘how to treat your husband like a dog.’ Where the woman’s mother instructs her on training her husband with rewards just as you would with a dog. It’s stupidly funny.
Throw it like confetti, but not glitter confetti and not any confetti you have to clean up. This is the BEST kind - it is absorbed into the soul!
Love the compliment training of the unsuspecting husband, roaming the living room wild and unaware. Recently discussing weaponized incompetence with my hubster lrevealed his preference for the compliment/treat combo of training theory. He has a tiered candy/pastry chart for consult